Surviving and Soothing Sibling Strife When Caring for Aging Parents

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Worried about your parents and fighting with your siblings over their care? When it comes to mom and dad, even families who get along well will experience disagreements from time to time.

Disagreements are to be expected; it’s an emotional time. Just as each of us has our own relationships with our parents, we each have our own experiences, insights, and perceptions within that relationship.

It’s not unusual for a sibling living at a geographic distance, who may enjoy weekly phone calls with mom, to have a different perspective on her living situation from the sister who lives nearby and visits twice a week to deliver groceries, assists with bill paying, and takes mom to her doctors’ appointments.

When worrisome changes happen, emotions can intensify. Old hurts can rise to the surface and interfere with decision making and agreement on what’s best for your parents.

There’s no seamless path to consensus, but there are thoughtful steps siblings can take to successfully set goals and healthy boundaries, with the intention of supporting and doing what is best for mom and dad.

<Check out of bite-sized podcast on Siblings>

Teamwork

In our practice as care managers, we’ve find that the best outcomes for older adults result from families who are unified, even when they don’t always agree, around steps they should take to address concerns about an aging parent.

Each family member brings different skills and strengths to the table.

When families come together regularly to check in, make decisions, and divvy up tasks, it can often strengthen relationships with your siblings as you work together towards the mutual goal of “what’s best for mom and/or dad.”

Your Role

Is it possible that you play a role in stirring up distress and dysfunction amongst your siblings? Are you the go-to sister, mini-mom? The perceived irresponsible or unresponsive one? The know-it-all? Do you play the martyr?

These are the honest conversations we can have with ourselves to help minimize sibling stress and find a new way to interact.

The book They’re Your Parents, Too! How Sibling Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy by Dr. Francine Russo is a terrific tool that we recommend frequently.

This period of family life is new and scary at times. Dr. Russo helps siblings prepare for difficult life decisions and transitions with less anger, guilt, and conflict.

Engage A Professional

Coordination and facilitation can be time-consuming, stressful, and at times, create more conflict, especially if a parent is living with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia.

This can also be a scary time. No one wants to make a mistake when it comes to your parents, especially if they are in a particularly fragile or vulnerable stage.

It’s not uncommon for family members to be working full time and managing families and health concerns of their own when they get pulled into helping an older parent navigate their own lives. You don’t have to do this alone.

You and your siblings can benefit from the expertise of professionals whose work specializes in supporting, guiding, and caring for older adults and their families. These professionals have the experience and knowledge to cut through the clutter, help you with planning, and avoid potential mistakes down the road:

  • Elder Law Attorneys handle the legal needs of older adults and their families, including general estate planning and administration, planning for long term care or incapacity, protection against elder abuse, and navigating the complexities of probate. Elder law attorneys may also assist with trust planning and administration, preparation of wills, and guardianship. Some also offer mediation services.
  • Aging Life Care Professionals, AKA Care Managers, like our team at Aging Wisdom, offer care management, a holistic, client-centered approach to caring for older adults or others facing ongoing health challenges. Our guidance leads families to the actions and decisions that ensure quality care and an optimal life for those they love, thus reducing worry, stress, and time off work for family caregivers through assessment and monitoring; planning and problem-solving; education and advocacy; and family caregiver coaching.

Still at an impasse with your siblings? Schedule a get-acquainted call to explore ways we can support and guide you on this journey.

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